Blog entry for Tuesday, May 3, 2005
Super hero or chicken super?
By Ahneeta Cracker
May 2, 2005
Coupdeville’s very own self-proclaimed superhero struck again today.
A woman, who requested to have her identity withheld, was attacked and robbed this morning
on Darby Street. “I was just so scared. He grabbed my purse and took my shoes. I
really miss those shoes. I had just bought them Saturday at the big side-walk sale over at
Chop Shoey on Fowler (Avenue). Now I don’t have anything to go with this dress,”
the woman said.
Shortly after speaking with the Coupdeville Chronicle, the woman fainted and was taken to
a local hospital, treated and released.
Puffy Chicken, self-proclaimed superhero, was on the scene within minutes. However, once
again, our intrepid savior was seen running away from the scene of the crime, as it was
taking place.
When asked for a comment, this is what Mr. Chicken had to say:
“Yes, I ran in the opposite direction. No, it’s not because I’m a big
chicken…even though I do happen to be five feet of pure Rhode Island Red. You see,
it’s all part of my super heroic strategy. By running in the opposite direction, it
confuses the would-be-evil-doers and allows me to sneak up behind them, where there is, as
a general rule, substantially more cover from behind which I can smite the enemies of the
good citizens of Coupdeville with my most secret of weapons, the Rubber Band of
Righteousness.”
When asked if this simply means that he prefers to cower in the relative safety of trash
bins and large boxes until the fighting is over, Mr. Chicken had this to say:
“Certainly. You see, the Rubber Band of Righteousness is a power and sacred weapon.
If it should fall into the idle hands of evil…well, that would just be a bad thing.
It is my duty as the holder of the Rubber Band of Righteousness, to thwart the diabolic
plans of evil by keeping this town, its good citizens, and the Rubber Band of
Righteousness safe at all times.”
Since Mr. Chicken’s arrival in Coupdeville, the crime rate as sky-rocketed. The real
estate market has tanked and the number of people leaving our fair city has risen to a
record high. When asked to comment on this, Mr. Chicken promptly announced that he was
late for an appointment and was last seen running north on Darby Street.
The unknown attacker was last seen running south on Darby Street wearing a black denim
jacket, dark blue sweatpants, and a pair of stolen red high heels. He was also carrying a
small black purse and a large ice cream cone, also stolen.
The day started like any other day. The sun rose. The rooster crowed. I threw a boot at
the damn thing. The rooster, not the sun. I mean, it’s impossible to throw a boot at
the sun. Sure, you could try, but eventually gravity’s going to kick in and then the
boot’s going to come crashing back down to Earth. Possibly hitting someone in the
process. And, then the lawyers get involved…the motions…the counter motions…the
bench warrants for failure to appear…the bail bondsmen…the appeals…Oy! Who
needs the hassle? Keep your expectations low and aim for the rooster. It’s a lot
easier.
I found the above article on the front page of this morning’s Coupdeville Chronicle.
Good press is always helpful to a super hero. And, that lovely, report-parrot, Ahneeta
Cracker…well, she’s attracted to me. I know these things. After all, I am a
super hero. We super heroic types always get the chicks…um…girls….ladies.
Anyway, this unknown attacker will have to be brought to justice. He shouldn’t be too
hard to find, wearing stolen red high heels. I’ll check the social page to all the
upcoming fancy dress parties and lie in wait for this dastardly fiend. He won’t get
past me and the Rubber Band of Righteousness.
Fear not, good citizens of Coupdeville! I shall smite this villain with righteous fury!
Yes, I, Puffy Chicken, do so solemnly swear to uphold the ways of truth, justice, and the
chicken way! Your single-finger waves of support, which so graciously remind me that
I’m “#1” in your hearts, will once again send a resounding message to
evil-doers far and near: “This town belongs to Puffy Chicken and we’re not going
to take it anymore!”
Posted by: Puffy Chicken – 10:34 am
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Comment on this entry
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Oh, come off of it! No one wants you here, you big dumb cluck!
Posted by: Anonymous – 10:37 am
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Go back to wherever you came from and leave us alone!
Posted by: DownWithPuffy – 10:38 am
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Go pluck yourself, Puffy!
Posted by: 1chick2beat – 10:39 am
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The masses are becoming unruly, my friend. Never send a chicken to do a duck’s job.
Posted by: Lame Duck – 10:43 am
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Lame Duck! You diabolical fiend! You shall be smitten with righteous fury!
Posted by: Puffy Chicken – 10:45 am
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Ooo…I’m scared. Still got that little wooden launcher for that pathetic rubber
band, I see.
Posted by: Lame Duck – 10:50 am
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This launcher is a sacred item hand-carved from the rare loblolly pine and it shall bring
justice to this town. I swear, Lame Duck, I’ll pay for your fiendish ways!
Posted by: Puffy Chicken – 11:01 am
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“I swear, Lame Duck, I’ll pay for your fiendish ways!”
Of that, I have no doubts, my friend. *lol*
Posted by: Lame Duck – 11:02 am
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Correction: “I swear, Lame Duck, you’ll pay for your fiendish
ways!”
Posted by: Puffy Chicken – 11:03 am